Introverted Parenting: Surviving the Loving Chaos of a Large Family-Part I

If you’ve never taken a Myers-Briggs personality test I strongly encourage you to consider it before having children.  Knowing beforehand about not only your own personality but your spouses as well can help you prepare for the craziness ahead.  Jason and I were lucky in that we both had a pretty good handle on our personality types before we got married.  Unfortunately, in many ways though, we are opposites.  I have always been extremely introverted as an INFJ, a personality type shared by only about 1% of the population.  Being in medicine I’ve had to move closer to the middle in order to be able to not only make it through the busy days but enjoy them as well.  My husband Jason, an ENTJ, is not only about as extroverted as they come but also a night owl.  In the early days of our relationship, my family quite vocally, and embarrassingly, warned him of my moodiness and need for down time.  He was so in love he couldn’t believe it and I naively thought it wouldn’t ever matter.  What a laugh!

Ten years later, with 8 years of marriage and 5 children under age 7, we’ve both learned better. Being a parent to a large family is hard, being an introverted parent is like walking blindfolded through a minefield.  First off, you are never alone.  Down time loses all meaning.  Instead of a day reading in bed, you are praying for five minutes of peace to use the bathroom, which never happens by the way!  The only time you have quiet is when you are sleeping and that only lasts as long as the baby remains asleep as well.  In the rare event that there is a quiet period you quickly learn to start looking for the enormous mess your children are in the process of making.  If you don’t, you clean up a lot of messes.

Next, not all of your children will be introverts, particularly if you are married to an extreme extrovert like myself and even the ones that are are still children.  I know when you picture your future family, you saw those perfect, quiet, well behaved children reading books while lying snuggled up with you on the couch or playing quietly with their toys while you cooked dinner.  It’s a wonderful dream for new introverted parents but rarely matches the reality of your life and the more children you add the less likely for your rosy vision to come true.  Instead picture a constant cacophony of voices that rises and falls like waves along a rocky shoreline during a winter storm that never ends.  You’re extroverted children in particular feed off a large family environment and seem to be constantly searching for more.  This can be overwhelming when you are trying to complete a task or needing time to think through and process things internally as they believe when you are quiet it’s their opportunity to engage you.

By the end of the day you are overstimulated not only from the almost constant noise but also the constant touching.  If one is not demanding your attention or affection another is and there is rarely a moment when they are as young and as close together as ours that they are all happy.  When one more climbs in your lap and wiggles and twists while you are trying to enjoy the movie you can feel like you want to crawl out of your skin and hide in a faraway place. I get it, in fact I live it every day.  I know the struggle to be the parent you want to be admist the chaos of your large family.  I’m here to tell you, there is HOPE!  Not only can you manage your role but you can thrive in it.

If your interested in learning more stay tuned for Part II of this three part series.

In the meantime, I would love to hear from other parents, particularly those who are introverted like myself with what you feel are the unique challenges you face in raising your children.  Feel free to share your comments below!